A tough week even though it was just the first day of exam.

I need a broad shoulder to lean on, to cry out how desperate i was. It hurt. It really did. Okay, i admit i was quite disappointed with my progress in studies. Exam started and it will end soon. i had such terrible feeling wondering what was i doing for the past few months. i thought i was working hard but then. everything didn't turn out as i wished. My teacher said there will always be disappointment in life. A LOT, and when would it end? what else could we expect when you know all that u expected would not come true in reality.?Or am i expecting too high?

anyhow, it was just my first day of exam. i hope the sucky feeling will actually push me to a higher level. Im jealous. i don't know how they can stay that calm during exam period, i guess they have already 100 percents of confidence in heart. im jealous with those who didn't really put much efforts in it. Time is still running fast and when would this come to an end where the biological clock would leave me just alone. ALONE. by the way, i just need to scribble things here, how depressing it would be to keep things inside. glad to have this two days of weekends. Thank God it is a balm to me. it always is. i will make sure this insane thing wouldn't dampen my spirit. I AM GOING TO GET BACK WHAT I DESERVE. u wait and see.

It was a peaceful week anywhere without some closed friends around. sometimes, i wonder are they really suitable to be in my life. Is this really what i want? it feels like im not living these days.

I want you to fight for me.i want to be someone who worth fighting for.

Dear mom and dad,

One day, i will make you proud. i promise.


Sincerely,
your loving daughter.

Hey people. Happy Mother's day ! today should be a delightful one, but then it is a kinda depressing day for me. glad that im calling it a day real soon. okay, had our dinner at a hotel for celebration, of course it wasn't cheap at all, pity my dad to foot the bill. sorry, im broke these days, couldn't even get a present to my mum.oh, spare me for this year as  im not working part time this time, so i don't really know how to fork out any money.

Mun yee came back from kl, and went out with her in the morning for our breakfast. apparently , everyone is becoming prettier and prettier as they grow up. emvy *.* had a good chat with her and just realised i actually miss her so much. Her presence with her used-to-be very soothing voice just trigger my missing thought to her. I always think distance drifts people apart, but then there are always friends who always keep you posted  to show you their concern. talked about her life outside. FREEDOM. she said. things are complicated outside and u know what, she is always the one who stays herself no matter how things changed. She adapted.but still, u know everything just feels so right when u chat with her after quite a long time. its still her u are talking to, not transforming into a total stranger who you have to start learning more about again.

life isn't that smooth recently. i guess stress starts to eat me up again, i don't have much patience in everything. When everything is twisted and churned until so complicated, i don't have the ability to untie everything so that they can fall back into their places. There are still things that i can't adapt to. sometimes, i do really wish people to tell me how and what should i do or proceed, i have to admit im a stubborn one so ur point have to be extremely strong to change my mind. What are friends meant to be? there are times when i miss the previous time when i can talk to chai yan whenever i have troubles jamming my brain. sometimes, we already knew the answer we want, its just we want people to agree with us.Form six is all about peaceful studying period, so there aren't many bad things happens on us. Even if there were, most probably all  nonsense things where you start to think crazy things since you don't have anything to do.This is what exactly im doing nowadays. i start to think a A LOT. i have many friends and most are rather closed with me,but then, i just realised there is  no one i can really talk deeply to. At my 'very-old-age' , when i say talk to , it actually means sharing problems and giving solutions. i think those words like ' i understand your feeling' or those sitting beside you to just listen to you bragging don't work on me anymore. perhaps im more realistic already, i want a concrete and strong point and solution. i want hope. no offense, but im tired of those people who sit beside you reminding how bad things are screwed up or tell you he/she acknowledged the problem long time ago already.So, aren't you going to change things instead of sighing how pathetic the situation is? i miss friends. yes, those who bring you HOPE. okay, i promise i will become one kind of this to my friends at the same time.

went back to library with zhi qing and hor yan. i always love to watch hor yan doing things on her own. how peaceful she is internally, standing straight on her foot. how disciplined this girl is.always so sweet, nice and demure=) she is one of my companion to study although we don't sit together but then her presence in library actually lightens up the enthusiasm in me. everyone plays a role in your life and sometimes simple things can turn up to be the biggest one. anyway, i want to take a minute to thank God for giving us such peaceful place to be at comfortably. falling in love with the school library. i will surely miss it when i leave this lovely school. 

Everything doesn't seem good. i fail in handling human-human relationship. it is always a chapter that fray people's nerve as u will never understand how the whole system works. i am not there yet.not even close.


never mind tomorrow will be a better day. One of the best feelings is when you hug someone you love, he / she hugs you back even tighter♥

PS : There are times when i wish there will be someone waiting for me to wake up in the morning. there you go baby. sweet day ahead=)

Exam in a few days time.The smothering moment where u can do nothing but study.. It SUCKS. but then despite all that torturing moments, its always good to see people working hard together. At least they do something meaningful instead of fooling around AIMLESSLY. i dislike seeing that foot-loose and fancy free type of life.

Anyway, jia jia's birthday just passed and due to the coming exam, i didn't really have time to think deep for any more special celebration to do for her. Bought her a necklace and a simple birthday celebration at Marry brown.oops , it was actually her belated birthday celebration. Sorry i think i didn't really make it as surprising as it should be, everything was like in a mess.but i guess its was a sweet mess. recorded every bits of the moment with my baby camera, u know what, don't really know since when, i started to actually appreciate and take care of  that thing without mentioning how complicated i think this kind of invention could be. it is always so confusing with the buttons and all that.EWWWWW. by the way it was a good day although not everyone present. sometimes, it doesn't have to be the best in the world, its what you miss, and the moment when you can be with who you wish to be with.oh , and i planned some guys to help her with the necklace , to put on around her neck at first and nobody dared to. hmm, it reminded me of something,i used to think am i really too open-minded? perhaps i need to keep a distance with guys. Guys actually draw a very obvious boundary with girls, not to even touch. is this necessary, but i guess its a good protection for girls.,i take it as respect.

Glad that my friends get along with his buddy in the end. its sweet to even just listen to him talking. i can see the happiness. the superb feeling when u finally got what u longed for a long time.sometimes,when we thought there is no turning back, everything will just fall back to its places. what we have to be is be patient and don't ever give up hope. One more thing, i have this friend who i always show my dissatisfaction to him, i don't really mean to do so, but i hope him to learn and understand. i really care for him and just found out our birthday present gave him stress and confusion.i knew he tried to make things better for us but everything he did was like deviating from me concept. it was truly hard to work together but i wished to help him lessen some burden. just knew he underwent a lot of troubles and i sympathized him for taking everything by himself. i wish to help and i know we all do. Lord, please grant us the chance to put down our pride or at least keep that low to walk side by side with each other. we have good intentions, i guess all we need is one more chance perhaps? i have apologised for that and i promise will try to pt myself into his shoes.  Glad that i have such bunch of devoted friends who are supportive enough and willing to do things for people that we love.

i really love the school library these days. i wonder, perhaps its not the place that i love, is the people inside greeting me every moment whenever i enter. Time flies. i always wish to look precisely at the faces that i used to see them everyday now, so that i can remember vividly when natural clock drift us apart. What would it be when you can't see face-to-face those faces you used to scream at, smile at, peep at, cry at, laugh at?They are getting more and more precious as time goes. i will surely miss them in the end.


Exam is coming real soon. Break a leg!

Set me free darling=)

Winners don't quit.

One and a half week to exam, i am afraid. i guess everyone is right at this moment. oh, this time will be the one where our parents have to get the results from our teacher. okay, i am nervous, i hope i won't have to withstand the disappointed faces which i know i will never be able to handle that. all the best then.i don't want to be pessimistic anyway.

ser vio's birthday was last Thursday, got to celebrate with him after USST meeting. zhan ming just walked in with a cake in his hand during meeting, oh so not surprising at all. sometimes, i really wonder is surprise necessary? Guys seem like don't bother to give anyone big surprise or i guess it just works for girls huh? by the way, although i don't really like to watch them playing around with the swinging him in the air with birthday song sung by us, i was glad that they enjoyed this cruel thing. it was funny to see them fooling around=) as long as everyone was having a whale of time.presented him with a box full of letters by form 6s, okay, i have to emphasise ,they were letters, not notes and to be frank, if u are not that closed to him, i guess it would be a hard chore to write a lengthy letter to him, so i didn't make form 5s write.well, they are too used to ' happy birthday and fullstop . Their styles.u know what, i always love to plan people's birthday , as u will always see unexpected true friendship behind, there are really true friends who are so kind-hearted enough to treat their friends with full sincerity.and Credits to jia yan , i think he is their friend who they always mention to us, he came back on that day and joined us after USST meeting for his birthday celebration.He came in and we were playing very crazily that time, guess what, he just recorded it down with his phone without us asking him to do so. A good one,i don't know how should i put this, but then he has a good heart, i am not sure whether he will treat people around that way, but im sure he will treat those people he loves real good, provided u have to trust him. he became our cameraman that day, and i really look up to this guy.

went library to do some revision, had a happy moment with everyone there.okay, i don't have mood to continue writing today. i love u guys. and i hope i will find strength through that, grant me confidence this time.

True strength is keeping everything together when everyone expects you to fall apart.

Finally, its May. oh, im welcoming the brand new month with my wide open arms although somehow i know exams is a lot more closer now. sometimes, it isn't the matter of time, its self-discipline perhaps. no matter how long time we have, we still find it so rushing and torturing in the last few days. seriously, i do really hope i can get rid of those nervous-cracking and stressful moments the days before exam. i should have finished studying before that few days of exams. however, this would never happen although how much i hope it could.

Today is our labour day which means holiday people! Its good to wake up, finding yourself satisfied with the well-rested one and ready for the day. running out of coffee these days but not planning to refill that. i guess its time to stop it for a while. everything is doing good so far except for the unbearable weather baking our lovely earth. so darn HOT. anyway i always thank God for a relaxing day break.

Oh, people were talking about how hardworking i have become. hmm, that wasn't true, i still let my time passing meaninglessly at home, that was why i tried to finish everything in school. Home is such a comfort zone where u just want to be sluggish all the while, not wanting to make an  effort to keep the comfort at bay.anyhow, i was tired in explaining, i dislike people labeling me as a hardworking one because i don't want people to put expectation in me, thinking its so hard to surpass me. but then, now i think i get too used to it. Its good at some point that i don't actually compete with anyone anymore, trying to make me the way they want me to be, just found it a lot easier when what u are doing now is actually what u really want to do, without any thought to impress or to reach people's expectation. i do it for MYSELF and of course for my parents partially.they invest in me with a lot of efforts and money as well, i want them to be happy and satisfied.

Zhan ming was playing around the past few weeks, we studied in the library whereas he surfed the internet in there. His action was a bit worrying us, but then glad that he came back to the norm yesterday. haha. sometimes, he was a bit annoying but i did learn things from him, that is what a friend supposed to be perhaps? studies actually gives me peace, okay, im actually leading quite a normal one without any trouble life, its just u will never know how good it feels like to stay focus. i never tried this before and it just feels right=)

oh , zhi qing's birthday was a few days ago. bought a watch for her with yuan yi sharing out the money. Glad that she was pretty delighted and surprised to receive that, felt flattered i guess,in a good way of course. everyone deserved to be loved no matter how unacceptable their action can be sometimes, she is a weird girl but still she is a good one with good intention. i really hope people don't always exaggerate people's mistake but to look at the good part of people; saw something during orchestra cina concert night, no matter how strong hatred can be, people will always find it comfortable with the people here all the while after they went out into bigger community, this is where we belong to, and somehow it just feel so right to be here again and people forgive after they come back.everything surrounds us now is simply so pure and crystal clear, with simple happiness and peace. this is the best part darlings.u will surely miss this one day when you turn around.
 
and before i forgot, chiang tieng called me that night.and i forgot how much i missed her until i heard her voice again. somehow feel quite distant with her , but i know we will be good again. sometimes i thought people will move on,yes,we ought to move on, but its okay to look back again to pick up things that shouldn't be left away , carry them with you =)
 
PS : i pray for pei suen to recover fast from his food-poisoning illness. i know how uneasy he will be for missing out lesson=) Be good.

Life stops when you stop dreaming,

Hope ends when you stop believing,

Love ends when you stop caring,

Friendships end when you stop sharing.